Women’s Empowerment Coaching

Are you feeling a bit stuck?

Are you surrounded by people, but you still feel lonely?

Do you find yourself looking at your life and wanting more, but are left feeling unsure just what that looks like or how to get it?

I can help.

This is my story,

I really wanted to enjoy being a stay at home mum. After suffering a miscarriage I was determined to be the best mum I could be for my rainbow baby. 18 months later I was the mum of two children under 2.

I joined mum’s groups, playgroups, saw friends occasionally but I was lonely and miserable.

I love my children with every fibre of my being, but I did not love staying home with them and not having any other adults to talk to.

I denied this to anyone who would ask. But if I was truly honest with myself, I was putting on a happy exterior – sending out my avatar to play the game of life.

I pretended that I was doing ok that I had it all together. That I was “managing just fine” never once asking for help, or telling a soul what I was really feeling.

The literature said that being at home with my children through their infant and toddler years was the best thing for them and I was determined to give them the best start possible.

I got angry and self-righteous with mums who went straight back to work and with my husband who seemed to be able to just go on with his life unchanged, unfazed.

How could they be so selfish?

But in reality, I was jealous. I felt such shame that I couldn’t hack it and that I wasn’t loving being a-stay-at-home-parent. This is what I had dreamed of and fought for, for so long.

I took my shame and frustration out on my husband.

My mental health continued to decline as I threw myself deeper and deeper into motherhood. Motherhood became the pit where I lost myself. Tanya no longer existed. All that was left was this person called “Mum.”

When I finally went back to work I was constantly caught up in the never-ending tug of war of being a good teacher, a good teammate, a good wife and good mum. I made choices in my career that centred around my identity as mum instead of choosing things that lit me up on the inside. I stayed in jobs because we needed the money rather than making changes that my intuition was urging me to. And so I lost myself further in being a good version of the roles that everyone needed me to fulfil.

I was so consumed by my desire to be everything to everyone else, to be “perfect” that I forgot to keep a little bit of me for myself.

Soon I was empty, completely depleted of ‘me-ness’.

I remember sitting in my car scoffing down sushi in my “lunch 5 minutes” at 5 pm in the afternoon as I waited for my daughter to finish Girl Guides. A song from my teenage years come onto the radio and I sat there sobbing into my piece of salmon and avocado nori roll.

This was not what I expected life to be like.

 I felt so trapped in my life.

But I just couldn’t imagine another reality. I had spent so many of my years making all my decisions around what was right for other people that the very idea of thinking about whether I was happy or not felt scary, unnatural and selfish.

When my children started growing up and depended less on me I was left an even more of an empty feeling inside of me. I was angry and hurt. I had given up so much of myself for my children and now they no longer needed me. 

I became depressed.

It was as if I was waking up from a long dream and I no longer recognised the woman staring back at me from the mirror. 

Who was I?

What did I want?

Was I even allowed to think this way?

Wasn’t I meant to be grateful?

I was in pain and I was searching.  

I consumed hours of content online. I bought coaching programme after coaching programme that promised to help me to reach my goals but gave up on them after a while. I found the content inspiring but I got so overwhelmed and so did not implement any of the knowledge and wisdom I learnt from the courses.

Why?

Because they didn’t connect with my secret, the real thing that I was searching for. 

You see the reason that I couldn’t articulate my dreams or work towards the goals that mattered to me was that I had no idea what they were. 

I needed someone to first reconnect me with myself – the part of me that I had purposely shut off from myself so many years ago and that is what I can do for you.

I cannot promise that it will be easy. 
I cannot promise a silver bullet or a magic pill that will magically fix everything in your life.

But what I can assure you is that I have been where you are now.

Stuck, lonely, afraid, confused and overwhelmed. I also know how I got myself unstuck and if you work with me I can show you the way.

I will hang in there with you holding your hand and helping you to hold space for yourself every step of the way as you rediscover HER – the person you were before you were a Mum, a partner a provider.

She still matters – She still exists.

Let me support you to finally let go of the shame the fear and the guilt of belonging to yourself.

Tanya Valentin

Join the supportive community of women who are on a journey towards self-care, self-love and self-acceptance. No matter where you are on this journey you are welcome here. Come learn, love and witness the beauty and transformation in yourself and others in this uplifting sisterhood of like-minded women

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Arohanui